Final Fantasy Big Brother
by RinoaTifa
Summary: What would happen if characters from Final Fantasy VII, VIII and X were all thrown together into the Big Brother house and the whole thing was presented by the Turks from FFVII? Find out in this ongoing humour fic! Please read and review
1. Prologue: Touring the House

Final Fantasy Big Brother

Author's Note: This insane little fluffy fanfic came to me as I was walking to school with a friend, discussing Final Fantasy and… reality TV shows. It's a strange little life I lead, isn't it? Anyway, we thought this could be a bit of a laugh and even though I'm the first to admit I'm not a great humour writer I still thought I'd give it a shot. Oh, and for those of you that maybe don't know Big Brother is a reality show based on the book _1984_ where a bunch of people are all thrown together into a house with no contact with the outside world, watched the whole time by a series of hidden cameras usually with amusing results especially when the alcohol comes in! I've put this in the FF Crossovers section because it contains characters from Final Fantasy VII, VIII and X. Like I say, this is my first humour fic so please read and review.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Final Fantasy's or the related characters/places or the concept of Big Brother, okay?

Prologue: Touring the House

As the familiar Big Brother theme music came blasting out of the nearby speakers, the audience, crammed away from the stage behind iron barracks and tough-looking SeeD on loan from Balamb Garden, scream and shout excitably. They're all wrapped up warm against the mid-winter cold and several are waving banners with slogans sprawled on them such as, "Sexy Reno – get your kit off!" and "BB Babes Forever."

Standing on a raised platform, bathed in golden rays from the surrounding spotlights, is a tall, skinny woman with short blonde hair. She's in a slinky red dress and stiletto heels that she's clearly not used to wearing.

Elena smiles brightly into the wrong camera then, after a moment of listening hard to her earpiece, switches to the correct camera, holding up the microphone to her mouth.

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally arrived!" she announces proudly to another loud cheer from the audience. "It is time for Big Brother 2005 to begin, and this year it's going to be eviler than ever and by that we mean ShinRa evil. Yep, that bad."

Elena is interrupted by a sudden round of booing from the assembled crowd and ducks with a sudden "eep" noise as a chair goes flying over the head before ploughing hastily on with, "W-we'll be introducing the first housemate firstly but let's begin with a quick look around the Big Brother house where they shall be spending the next few weeks. Reno and Rude, over to you!"

With another yell of delight from the crowd, the view changes to a large garden. The gardens most distinguishing feature is a doughnut-shaped swimming pool at the centre. A high wooden fence surrounds the rest of the garden with barbed wire lining the top of it and cameras at several intervals and a patio with glass doors leading into the house itself. In another corner of the garden is a contraption similar to a chicken coop with around half a dozen baby chocobos pecking around inside. Standing in the centre is a man in a black suit with a shaven head, his eyes hidden by a pair of tinted sunglasses. His head turns from side to side and he gives a small cough.

After another moments awkward silence, another man stumbles into view, his own suit crumpled and his flame-red hair even more messy than usual. He turns to face the camera revealing the lipstick marks smeared over his face and hastily grabs a microphone offered to him by a frantic stagehand.

"H-hello, everyone," stuttered Reno, smiling into the camera. "How are you? Yeah, sorry about that we had – er – technical difficulties, yeah, that's it."

Beside him, Rude tuts and even though it's difficult to tell due to his dark sunglasses it seems as though he is rolling his eyes.

"Moving on," continues Reno, trying to maintain some level of professionalism, "A-as you can see, this is the garden where the housemates will come to… go to the garden."

"How have you not been fired yet, Reno?" Rude hisses to his colleague.

"Because I have so many fangirls they'd overrun the studio if I was," Reno mumbles back before clearing his throat and moving over to the glass doors. After a moments struggling and mild swearing, Rude steps forward and slides them the other way. They open with ease.

"I knew that," Reno says quickly before ushering the cameraman into a wide room that combined sitting room and kitchen. It is circular in shape with silver walls and a generally futuristic feel to it with strange shaped furniture in bright garish colours. The kitchen is small but sufficient enough for cooking the housemate's meals without too much difficulty and a long table surrounded by chairs sits in the middle of the room. Long wine flutes have been carefully arranged on it, filled with champagne and Reno makes a quick dash towards one. Rude holds out a hand to stop him and Reno sighs.

"Yeah, I guess I'd better not push my luck too far," admits Reno then remembers that they're still on film. "Uhh, yeah, well this is the main area for the housemates where they'll relax, cook and eat. And," Reno glances around wildly for something to speak about, "Oh, look, here's a door. Let's see what's in here."

Reno tugs at the handle once, twice then gestures frantically at Rude.

"It's locked," says Rude flatly. "That's the task room which is specially set up for each of the tasks every week. They told us it would be, remember?"

"Of course! I knew that." Reno hurries over to another door and pulls it open. "Ah! Here we go. This is the Diary Room where the housemates will go to whine about each other and have nervous breakdowns and stuff. I think it's my favourite."

Reno steps back and the cameraman shuffles forward into a very small room about the size of a store cupboard. Inside is a large, round chair that takes up most of the room which curves inwards for the housemates to sit down. It's blue with the letters S-E written in silver at the back.

"S-E?" Reno can be heard saying. "What the-? Square-Enix? Talk about self advertising!" Frantic noises can be heard coming from Reno's earpiece then he quickly adds, "I mean, Square-Enix can do what they like. After all, they are the great minds that created us humble beings and incidentally sponsor this show. They can do all of the self-advertisement they want. In fact, I think we should all just take a minute now and reflect on the gloriousness that is Square."

There is a moment's pause, and then Rude's voice is heard. "Reno? Uh, Reno? I think you can stop now."

"Oh, okay, right," says Reno hurriedly before leading the cameraman over to another door. "Apparently we've already cut to being five minutes longer than we should have been so let's get moving, shall we?"

He pulls it open, briefly showing a large blue room with several small bunk beds and cabinets inside. "Bedroom," says Reno while practically sprinting across the room to another door.

"Bathroom," he says, waving at a smaller room with a shower, toilet, sink and mirrors on all the walls. "Oh, and by the way, yes there is a camera behind each and every one of those mirrors."

Reno hops back out and into the living area again before pushing open one final door. "And this – a new feature this year – is the training centre. You see, last time housemates started getting a little bored and frustrated, especially because we confiscated all of their weapons and materia before letting them in and unfortunately since they had no way to let out their feelings there was a slight incident involving a glass bottle and… it ended up nasty. But seriously, Cait Sith man, if you insist on being so seriously annoying you have got to expect this sort of thing."

Rude coughed again, and Reno got back to the subject. "So, yeah, the big bosses told us that if we wanted to be aired again ever – which we do because otherwise there's no way I'll be able to afford my lifestyle anymore – we'd have to make some major safety changes one of which was adding this gym for them to let their anger out in a… productive fashion."

The room is large and square and filled with gym equipment of every form, from treadmills to punch bags. There is even a big blue mat in the centre of the floor for practising moves with each other.

"How much are you lot hoping a couple of this years girls are going to get drunk and start having a catfight on this? Hell, if we're really lucky someone clever will even throw some water on them!" Reno says cheerfully. Beside him, Rude groans.

"Oh, right, sorry. Back to you Elena, I – I think," Reno says hastily. He waits a second then yells audibly, "Right, now I'm going to get me some of that wine!"

The scene changes back to Elena standing with one hand on her hip looking eternally embarrassed. "Yes, thank you Reno for that very… _professional_ insight into the Big Brother house. Don't go away because after the break comes the moment we've all been waiting for. Yes, that's right – the housemates will actually be entering the house!"


	2. Chapter 1: Meeting the Housemates

Final Fantasy Big Brother

Chapter One: Meeting the Housemates

Elena shakes her blonde hair out of her eyes and tries not to fall over in her heels while giving the cameras a sunny smile. "Ladies and gentlemen," she says hastily in an effort to disguise her trip. "It's time for the housemates to enter the house. The first person, being brought in in no particular order since we couldn't do it alphabetically as some of the contestants were late arriving to the studio as they got lost is – Irvine Kinneas!"

The song, I'm Too Sexy, comes blaring out of the surrounding loud speakers even louder than the almost hysterical crowd. A sleek, unmarked black vehicle pulls up at the beginning of the red carpet. Out of it steps sharp-shooter Irvine Kinneas, dressed in a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and a trench coat pulled tight around his body. Irvine grins at the surrounding audience, blowing kisses to the women and some of the men as he strides confidently down the red carpet towards the raised platform Elena is standing on.

As Elena stands there smoothing down her dress and fixing her hair in what she hopes is a nonchalant manner, Irvine runs lightly up the stairs over to her, finally bored with the crowd's attention. Still grinning, Irvine sweeps down into a gentleman-like bow and gently kisses Elena's hand. Elena staggers slightly in her high heels, blushing terribly and stuttering as she tries to remember the questions she's supposed to ask.

"Ah, yes," stammers Elena as the information poured through her earpiece. "Er, er, Irvine, how does it feel to be the first housemate?"

"It's great! I'm really looking forward to being in there and I know all of the guys back home are rooting for me," Irvine turns and gives the SeeD on duty a thumbs up sign. They stare evenly back at him; one or two blatantly roll their eyes. "A-anyway, there's just one thing though. I'm actually feeling a bit hot."

"Really?" asks Elena, clearly wondering where this was going.

"Yup," replies Irvine and suddenly whips off his trench coat, revealing that underneath the cowboy was wearing nothing but a brown leather thong. The crowd let out a roar of delight, a mixture of female and male voices making up such a din that Elena had to shout into her microphone to be heard.

"Oh, dear God!" she shrieked, the shock and joy clear in her face. "If that isn't stuffed the female housemates will be in for a real treat. I – I mean, one more question for you, Irvine. How would you feel if you were evicted from the Big Brother house?"

"Oh, I wouldn't mind that much. Then I'd get to be interviewed by you, babe," grinned Irvine with a clear wink. The watching audience was lapping it up; the click and flash of cameras surrounded the stage.

"Thank you Irvine. You may now enter the Big Brother house."

"With pleasure, 'Lena baby. See ya when I get out!" Irvine gives one last wave and grin to the crowd and runs up the final set of stairs to a SeeD standing outside the door to the Big Brother house. The man moves forward to give Irvine a body search then seems to change his mind and just waves the first housemate through. Irvine pushes open the door and enters the Big Brother house.

"Ooh, alcohol," said Irvine, making straight for the table. He picks up a glass of champagne and sips from it while taking in his surroundings, one hand placed firmly on his hip with his legs spread apart.

The live feed of the house is cut and the scene changes back to Elena who is staring at the screen open-mouthed. Suddenly she realises that the cameras are once more firmly fixed on her and clears her throat loudly. "Well, that was certainly… an entrance to remember, wasn't it? So that's Irvine Kinneas, beautiful housemate number one – the others will be hard pressed to beat him in the looks department! Anyway, the second housemate is already here so let me waste no time in introducing the first ever girl next door, Tifa Lockheart!"

The young bartender steps lightly out of the car as the Gwen Stefani song What You Waiting For comes pounding out of the speakers. Unfortunately, her back foot catches on the car floor and she stumbles. At the last moment Tifa grabs the side of the car and pulls herself upright grinning nervously but it is too late. As she'd tripped a thousand lights had flashed from camera and mobile phone a like. The next day literally thousands of shots down her shirt would have been posted in newspapers, magazines and Internet chat rooms worldwide. Wolf-whistles trill sharply through the air and Tifa blushes self-consciously, stepping across the red carpet as quickly as possible and over to Elena.

"Good evening, Tifa," smiles Elena and a wave of applause rippled across the area. The smile was clearly false and Tifa was eyeing her cautiously, as if worried that at any moment the Turk would attack her with her unfamiliar stiletto heels.

"Hi, Elena," says Tifa sweetly.

"How does it feel to be here tonight?" asked Elena. An air of formality had descended over the two women as they both tried to disguise the fact that they would receive such a great deal of pleasure in punching each others faces in.

"Really good. I feel that this is going to be a new and exciting experience and I really hope that I will be enriched in some way by it-"

"Yes, well, thank you for that big Tit- I mean, Tifa. But we really must be moving on now," Elena turns to face another camera, stepping surreptitiously on Tifa's foot as she did so with her heels. Tifa suppresses a cry of pain and wrenches her foot out from under Elena's, unbalancing the woman who only just prevented herself from falling flat on her face.

Tifa hobbles up the next set of stairs and sighs as she is forced to endure an exceptionally thorough body search by the on duty SeeD who insisted on searching her chest area at least three times. Finally he waves her past and she skips through into the house. It only takes her a second to evaluate her surroundings and then her eyes fall on Irvine and she gives a small shriek of surprise. Irvine grins widely at her, eyeing the ex-Avalanche member up.

"And next," said Elena through gritted teeth, unable to tear her eyes from the screen where Irvine was clearly chatting up a shocked Tifa. "We have a woman who describes herself as the Queen of Feel Good as well as a Master Thief. Please give it up for Rikku!"

Rikku, dressed in her usual skimpy hippy manner, practically jumps out of the car. Good Luck by the Basement Jaxx pumps out of the speakers. She grins widely and gives an adorable little giggle before somersaulting across the carpet over to the stairs. Rikku poses on the bottom step for a while, twirling her little plaits between her fingers and smiling mischievously before Elena is forced to stumble over to the Al Bhed girl, grab her forcibly by the arm and drag her onto the platform.

"So, Rikku, just before you go in the Big Brother house, what do you intend to do in the house?"

"Have lots a fun and fool around with as many people as possible!" chirps the girl, punching her fist in the air with a happy yip.

Elena stares at her for as second, as if trying to access whether or not she is being serious. "Right," she says eventually, ushering Rikku over towards the house. "Well, we look forward to watching that, I – I think."

Rikku waves a quick peace sign with her fingers to the crowd before leaping up the stairs two at a time and strolling straight past the stunned SeeD into the House.

"Hiya!" she could be heard yelling over the loud speakers as she saunters over to the other housemates. Tifa leaps out of Irvine's lap, quickly smoothing down her shirt and moves over to Rikku to introduce herself.

"Bitch," mutters Elena, watching Tifa icily. "I gotta call Tseng, see if he can… Oh! Umm, yeah, the next housemate was actually entered controversially into Big Brother by his girlfriend, Rinoa. Ladies and gentlement – Squall Leonhart!"

The crowd roars again and Squall, dressed in full SeeD uniform steps smartly out of the car. He glowers at the audience and cameramen as Robbie Williams' Misunderstood croons out of the sound system. The SeeD standing around the area suddenly snap to attention after standing slack for most of the night. Squall salutes them calmly back before walking over to Elena with a sigh.

"That's the last time I let Rinoa pick my song," he growls angrily as Misunderstood still comes blasting out.

"A-anyway, how would you feel if you won the game, Squall?"

"… Whatever."

Realising that was Squall's full answer Elena quickly moves on to the next question: "So, Squall, how do you feel about being entered into the contest by your long term girlfriend?"

Squall stares at Elena blankly for a moment then comprehension dawns on his face. "_Rinoa_ entered me for this? She told me that it was the prize for a competition I'd forgotten that I'd entered! The second I get out of here, I'll –"

"Well, before you get out you've got to get in. Bye bye, Squall, enjoy your stay in the house!" says Elena brightly, pushing him towards the House urgently. Squall, after a moment's hesitation climbs the steps warily. The SeeD seems to consider searching Squall then changes his mind and steps smartly back, saluting his superior. Squall looks over his shoulder for a second, shrugs and steps into the House.

"Jesus Christ, Irvine!" Squall's yell of surprise could be heard instantly. "What the hell are you wearing?"

On stage, Elena was trying her best not to crack up as the camera zoomed in on first Squall's shocked expression and then Irvine's proud grin as he spread his legs apart, standing with his hands on his hips. Tifa and Rikku were stood on the other side of the room, Tifa glancing around her unfamiliar surroundings and Rikku clutching a glass of champagne in her hand, already looking slightly tipsy.

"Don't you think that's the loudest you've ever heard him?" Elena asks the crowd with a wicked smile. They cheer again. "Moving swiftly on, he once tried to destroy the world and failed but will he achieve in winning over the viewing public's hearts? He's here because we tricked him into it through a loophole, he's the one and only Sephiroth."

The audience cheer and look around for the vehicle that would bring one of the most infamous villains of all time into the Big Brother House. Darth Vader's theme song from Star Wars can be heard and then Sephiroth appears flying down from the night sky onto the red carpet. He glares angrily at the cameramen and audience, striding straight past Elena without pausing. Elena seems to consider going after him but then changes her mind and goes back. Sephiroth climbs up the stairs and the SeeD, scared for his life, quickly waves him through without searching him.

"We'll probably need some sort of cage to stop him from flying away…" Elena seemed to be musing to herself. Suddenly her attention snaps back to her job and she smiles at the camera again. "Of course, we confiscated his Masume before letting him enter the house. It took twenty men to do it but at least now there won't be any more Aeris like incidents. Moving on, the sixth housemate to enter the Big Brother House is – Summoner Yuna!"

Yuna steps out of the car, staring at it in surprise having never seen a vehicle like that before and smiles sweetly at the watching crowd. The theme tune to Titanic plays as she steps lightly across the carpet, waving shyly. Yuna climbs up the steps to the stage, trying not to trip over her long skirt, and approaches Elena.

"Hi, Yuna. What's your strategy for staying in the House?" asks Elena.

"Oh, well, I don't have a strategy. I believe that all people have some good in them and the public will have no difficulty in detecting who's being genuine in the House and if I'm one thing, it's genuine," she says, giving another shy smile.

"Well… good luck with that. Enjoy your stay in the House, Summoner Yuna and off you go."

Yuna curtsies to Elena before lightly treading up the steps and after a quick search by the recovering SeeD, steps into the House. As she enters, a snippet of conversation can be heard from inside the House itself.

"Didn't we kill you?" Tifa's voice could be heard incredulously asking and on the big screen she could be seen questioning Sephiroth who was sat on the one of the large, sunken chairs with his arms crossed moodily. Before he could respond, Rikku let out a great whoop, crying "Yunie!" at the top of her voice and runs over to her cousin before hugging her tightly. Irvine could be seen watching the display with a grin on his face.

"They are going to eat that poor girl alive in there," Elena announces and another cry of delight came from the crowd. "Now let's meet our second to last housemate. She's a teacher and hired mercenary but still says that she's "up for a laugh" – it's Quistis Trepe!"

To the song I'm With You by Avril Lavigne, Quistis comes out of her car and smoothes down her usual orange outfit, clearly shocked at the response she was receiving from the crowd. As with all of the other housemates, they were cheering loudly but now several of the on-duty SeeD had joined in. She smiles and poses nervously as the surrounding cameras flash before walking over to Elena and giving her a fleeting look of panic.

"I'm not sure if I made the right choice doing this…" whispers Quistis but Elena quickly waves away her complaints.

"You'll be fine. But seriously, there're some very strong and well-known icons in the House this year. How do you plan to complete against them?"

"Well I'll just do my best, be myself and hope that my alarmingly big group of fanboys get me through. I don't want to win; it's the taking part that counts."

"Sure it is," replies Elena with a knowing wink and Quistis waves at the crowd again before climbing the steps, saluting the SeeD and entering the Big Brother House. "Now, everyone, is the moment we've all been waiting for: the final housemate is about to enter the BB House and then the game will officially begin. Please give it up for housemate number eight, it's Wakka!"

Wakka, a blitzball wedged firmly under one arm, waves at the crowd. He strolls down the red carpet, posing for pictures and signing autographs as he goes. When he reaches Elena, Wakka laughs loudly and punches her on the arm in way of greeting. Elena staggers slightly and mutters something that sounds very much like; "They're not paying me enough."

"So, Wakka, before you enter why did you decide to partake in this game show?" asks Elena breathlessly, as though all the air had been knocked out of her.

"Y'know, I was just thinkin' that maybe I could do with sort of like a change of scene y'know what I mean and this seemed like a good oppurtini'y an' all that so I thought that mebbe-"

"Yes, thank you, Wakka," smiles Elena after enduring a full five seconds of the dribble he was spouting and ushering him towards the door. The SeeD on duty tries to confiscate his blitzball and an argument can be seen taking place. They tussle for a few moments, even engaging in a sort of tug-of-war with the ball, before Wakka punches the SeeD flat out and strolls into the House.

"Just when you thought BB couldn't possibly have got any better," Elena was yelling over the noise of the crowd and people rushing to resuscitate the unconscious man, "We threw a whole bunch of sluts, loners, innocents and psychopaths into the House. Make sure that you tune in next week to see how they're getting a long and who will be the first to get evicted. Thank you and good night!"

Author's Note: Okay, this is how it's going to go – the next chapter will be a highlight of the best of the week's events and will include nominations. The chapter afterwards will be the weekly task and an eviction and it'll carry on like that hopefully unless I decide to do something special. The more feedback I get, the more ideas I'll have and the more I'll be able to write so get reviewing everyone! Also, I'm not entirely happy about some of the songs I selected for a couple of the housemates… I'll probably change that at some point. Thanks for reading and hope you're enjoying it so far.


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